The Spidey Diary
by Stinky Horse
Summary: Spidey's little pink diary. Don't judge.
1. Moi and Dino-Dash Gog

June 12, 2014

Well, this is awkward.

They say that boy's aren't supposed to have diaries, much less grown men. But you know what I say?

Yeah.

Screw them.

You see, the thoughts and feelings just got too pent up and then I remembered some councilor lady from long back in high school saying, (imput high-pitched screechy voice) 'Eet iz goud to wrrrrite down yur feallingz in zee bouk!' So I was like, 'sure why not?'

I mean, it's not like the big bad guy of the year is going to sneak into my house and read everything I'm writing right? BAM! BIG BAD GUY OF THE YEAR READS MY DIARY AND KILLS MY AUNT! Brrr. But then again, if I write anonymously, without inputting any real names, adresses, whatnot and web this to my utility belt with extra webbing and lock it with a padlock, it should be fine right? Okay, not a padlock because they're heavy and slow me down, but, you know, right?

I can tell already that this is going to backfire on me. It's going to kick me sooo hard in the tush.

But you know what? It's better than writing a blog on internet (*ahem* that's you, 'Human Torch') that could easily be traced back to the computer you're using, which -even if it's a public computer- can be hacked to view what I've seen or done, which -even if I use incognito mode/ hacking (which is really troublesome and risky)- is entirely possible and easy, and they could see what time I was there, and use the security camera's to view who was using the computer at that time, therefore seeing my face, finding my identity through pulling many strings, and, let's admit it, using public computers with the Spidey mask on is really awkward.

The people be like, "Hey it's Spidey! Let's go crowd around him and try to talk while he's obviously being busy" or "Hey it's the menace! Let's chase him outta town!" or "Ahaha, hey it's someone dressed as Spidey! What a loser!".

All reactions, I'm not sure I like.

So there you have it. I'm a grown up man in head-to-toe red&amp;blue pajamas writing is his precious little pink diary.

Why is it pink anyways? Pink of all colors. I'm gonna have to repaint you diary. I'm sorry, but you'll ruin my already-sinking-lower-and-lower reputation (thanks doc ock for getting me named a murderer, though you did get me my own company. Thanks deadpool for making me seem off the kilter because you dressed up as me, though I'm really thankful you did that. I needed the sleep (refer to Deadpool Annual #2 if this is sounding suspicious and wrong). Thanks J. Jonah Jameson, for being you. I love you. Seriously. We should get married or something.)

Welp. I think I should get started on this diary confession session. Let's start with today.

I woke up early, got into my suit, and swung off into the love of my life, good ol' New York city, to stretch my aching back 'cus I fell asleep the wrong way. Woke up finding myself upside down with my feet next to my head. Weird. Anyhow, it was quiet and still, good way to start the day, as the past few days had sucked since Electro 'accidentally' blasted a whole in a smaller prison wall. Little crooks came rushing out like bees. In fact, just the other day, a bearded Santa-man tried to pickpocket me while bear hugging me like a madman when I walked pass him. Who does that? That's just plain gross (he smelled a bit like Wolverine).

But, nothing ever lasts when it comes to me, so of course a gigantic, yellow, scaly, humanoid, dinosaur-man tackles me out of the air like a 5-star football player and nearly flattens me against the freshly dried pavement of a newly constructed site. There goes more of our tax money. I would've felt sorry for all the damage I did to properties if it wasn't for the fact I was now dodging the sharply, manicured claws of beasty man. That means I must be the beauty. Beauty and the Beast.

The thing had orange-ish hair that grew like side-burns on his head and his scaly eyebrows made him really comical. Oh, how did I know it was a he? Dino-dino had the biggest ding dong's I've possibly ever seen. Next to the hulks. Which is why I now point out to you, the importance of pants. Pants = very important. Not everyone has the ability to make web-undies in pant-less situations, so that's a point for me, for being awesome. Now, back on topic.

After a few minutes I was bruising in a few areas but otherwise fine. Dino-dino was slow. Dodging was easier than originally thought (still got whacked like a mole a few times though. Too distracted by his miniature Dino-dino). PANTS! VERY IMPORTANT AND MANDITORY!

"Sir, you might want to wear something to cover your neither-regions," I spoke as politely as possible while jumping back from a Dino-dino smash, "It's kind of... distracting. I call foul play! How about I go call over a referee and buy you a pair of pants, and then we can continue this fight huh? It'll be fun, trust me! I never break my promises (other than a few dozen times), come on, please!"

"Gog won't allow," the Frankin-Dino-now-Gog growled, "Gog want to take Spider's life!"

That's when I remembered this Dino-Dash-man. Gog. He's the alien baby that Kraven the Hunter adopted from the alien baby adoption center and used to take over Savage Land. The one that grabbed Gwen in order to maker her his 'happy woman' at a Camp J.J.J. took us to, and in the end was defeated when I lured him into quicksand while my buddy ol' pal Ka-Zar dealt with Kraven.

Man I feel nostalgic now.

"Oh yeah! Gog! Buddy! How've you been?" I said, dodging his big, bulky fists, "Good? Me too! In fact, recently I bought these cool air-fresheners that smell like fresh pizza and tacos! They didn't really though. They smelt more like wet fresh cowpies and farts, so I'd be glad to give you one if you'd like one!"

"Gog want no pie poop, Gog want Spider!" He growled again, wacking me in the ribs with his fists after he almost wacked me in the face with something I'd rather not touch.

"What? I'm already yours, come here and give me a kiss!" I rasped, and kicked him hard in the face. Bad. Face bad. Face make Spidey sad because he almost dislocated something. It was like punching a wall. My feet are still feel numb from doing that.

"Y-YEEEOOOOOWWW!" I half-screamed, half-said as I pushed myself away from him, sticking to a half-built brick wall, "WHAT IS YOUR FACE MADE OF?!"

"No sand for Spider, no sand for spider," Gog jeered, slowly making his way towards me, "Gog won't drown again!"

No sand for Spidey. But there's still wet cement. So, I decided to do what I did to my buddy Juggernaut the first time we met. I jumped towards the drying cement, still facing Gog the friendly, while distracting him from looking down with everything that came to mind. I threw traffic cones towards him and taunted him by the most childish, elementary school insults I could think of.

"Hey! Hey ugly!" I called, "Hey fatso! Stupid! Barney-man! I bet you're so dumb you forgot to wear your pants today! They're probably lost in the lost-been-found bin or something at school and now you have no pants! Mommy must be so ashamed! Hey doofus! Diarrhea face! Constipated cheeks! Poop head!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Gog roared, and almost got me when he whipped his hands out to grab me. He tripped on the 'Careful! Don't trip!' sign (ah the irony) and fell into the large pool of cement.

"S-SAND?! SAND! NOOOO!" He screamed, and started to sink into the fluid. Really quickly. I didn't think this through.

"Gog! Listen" I asked, crouching on the wall across, "I'll pull you out with my webs! But you have to tell me where you came from and how'd you get here!"

"G-Gog! Gog want to kill Spider!" Okay.

"Where'd you come from?"

"Gog just woke up with no pants! Gog can't swim!"

"Did someone send you?!"

"Gog DON'T KNOW! GOG DON'T WANT TO DROWN!"

The cement was almost over his head, so I quickly got him with my web-shooter and heaved like I never heaved before. I tried imagining I was pulling up the anchor to some ship of victory, except my reality sensor kicked in and told me I was pulling up a nude, cement-covered barney-man from a pool of cement.

"Spider will regret saving Gog," Dino-Dino spoke so harshly that spittle flew onto my mask (ew), and he sloshed the cement everywhere, "Gog leave now, but bad things happen to Spider! Bad bad bad things!"

"Wait what? Okay, first of all, you didn't really answer my questions, and secondly, what do you mean-"

Of course, I never got to finish my sentence, because his tail almost whacked me in the face when he turned around and started running away like crazy. That got me super paranoid. What a wonderful way to start the day.

I had tried to follow his cement-footprint trail, but ended up losing him when he dived into the East river. Seeing nothing else I could do, I went to work as usual. Got home. Did some research on Gog, trying to see if there was any humanoid Dino-man reports in the news. Found squat.

Let's not forget to mention that my spider-sense hasn't stopped buzzing since. It's still tingling, even now, as if it's saying 'Ew, you're writing in a pink diary. Gross. This is very offensive to your manliness, so you'd better stop!' I wish there was an off-switch, or maybe a big red 'shut down' button in the middle of my forehead. It's unbearably annoying. Oh, but please, don't go away spider-sense, I would be bare without you... le sigh. The sweet hate-love relationship of me and my brain.

Also, there's this really fat fly buzzing all around me and it's getting really annoying. The worst part is, that whenever I kill it, another one appears, just as fat as the one I killed. Do I stink or something? Gonna go take a shower.

Spidey out.


	2. I am the Spider Lord

June 13, 2014

BEHOLD, FOR I AM THE LORD OF THE SPIDERS! BOW TO ME!

Sorry. Just a moment of self-worship. But I can't say I haven't always wanted to say that.

As I am sitting here, there are spiders all over the place. As a fellow spider-man myself, and a kind contributor to our society (because I'm pretty sure it's clear that spiders help the environment a lot actually), I've been letting them loose outside. But every time I return to my room, at least 5 more spiders appear. I guess this is finally it guys, as a spider human I can finally communicate with spiders.

Not really.

"Go away! Shoo!" Doesn't work, neither does "you are dismissed my kind, awesome servants!", as for some reason, they just won't leave me alone. Do you know how awkward it is to be making a boom boom while 34 spiders are all staring at you with their thousands of small beady eyes? No. You don't. But seriously guys, don't try it out either.

At first it was only one. Didn't mind having a staring contest with it as I ate my frosted flakes. But they started to accumulate by lunch. Little bit freaky. Could this be the bad bad bad thing Gog was talking about?

Nah, I'm probably just unconsciously releasing spider hormones or something.

Spider-sense is still tingling by the way. Hasn't stopped since it started. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to fall asleep yesterday night (would've never fallen asleep if it wasn't only a high degree warning). Feeling super jumpy because of that. I decided to out for a swing to calm my nerves, but I only got yelled at when I pulled an old man out of a delivery truck's way during a red light. Hey, at least I know I'm loved!

There's cobwebs all over the place back at my place. At times like this, I wish I had a butler like the great Ironman does. Maybe I would invent one. I'm kinda regretting that I trashed the one Doc Ock made while he was me, it would've been super helpful at times like this. No, I can't use other people's things while they're gone. It's impolite and stuff. Silly me.

I gotta go clean up now. And buy some more web fluid. Bye.

Spidey out.

(Why do I say Spidey out anyways? It's kinda cheesy. But you know what? I'm gonna keep at it anyways.)


	3. Tomorrow

June 15, 2014

Okay, something's up.

Yes, I know it's pretty obvious that 'something's up', but with my life like this, I figured I could just lay off the immediate action for a day or a week or a month you know? (Like, procrastinate.) Come on, give the man a break- I'm only Spider-man.

Fine. I'm sorry. I will never (or try not to) do it again. I promise.

There's bugs everywhere. Floors, ceiling, I can't even go doodoo without sitting on a cockroach or two. So here's my few theories on what is happening:

1\. Something is happening to me, and I am attracting lots of bugs in some way or form- must do research

_\- Resource possibilities: Libraries, Internet, Friends, Newspapers, Television, Videos, _

_\- Ask friends for help as last resort: Possibly my bff, Mr. Reed Richards?_

2\. Bad bad bad thing Gog said- try to track him down again

_\- To Do: Check news channels, news papers, swing around town regularly_

_\- Check if any bad guys want to take/are taking revenge against me for beating them up or something_

I don't know. Haven't slept too well since I woke up with a centipede lodged in my nostril and a stink bug on the roof my my mouth. Stink bug farts don't taste good, trust me.

First thing's first, let's do some research. SCIENCE TO THE RESCUE.

* * *

A painful few minutes later...

A hive of wasps decided to join me when I swung past their nest, and now I have stingy stings and swollen bites all over my arms and legs. Later on, when I decided to go civie and go by foot, I was bombarded with lot's red biting ants crawling up my pants, while dung beetles rolled their balls of poop beside me like I was the conductor of a mini-parade. A kid pointed at me and called for his mum. His mum told him not to talk to weird men like me.

Going civie is bad. Bad idea. Too much attention. Face swollen red from bites. Ant/Dung beetle parade.

But the good news, is that I got the things I need. I jammed the door shut, and sealed all little cracks in the corners of my room, the crack under the door, etc. hoping that'll keep the room bug count down. There's also a really big rhinoceros beetle on my lap by the way. It's really cool but it seems to not like me, as it's biting deep my leg with deep hatred even while I'm writing. I should make it stop, 'cus I'm kinda bleeding now. Gimme a sec.

* * *

A few hours later...

I'm done. SO DONE! I can't do it. I miss her too much. I miss her crumples, her warmth, her softness and her reassuring texture. I miss my bed.

I wanted to try to be smart, but it's not happening, so I'm just gonna go with the flow and see if I can figure out a way to get these bugs off. They're becoming a problem at work. Hey, I should develop some bug-repelling device/fluid/I don't know. Hey, that's pretty smart of me. Self-pat on the back.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be more productive.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get my life straightened out.

Maybe tomorrow I'll understand girls.

Ha.

Yeah right.

Spidey out.


	4. Bugs is a Word

June 20, 2014

I have a feeling this situation isn't gonna to get any better.

I'm like, #1 on the most hated list in bugville. Like, local bug menace. Evil bug-murdering vigilante. I bet a mini-Jigsaw Jonah Jameson bug is prattling on about how awful Spider-man is right now in a mini-Buggle Bug building. WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE?! GOD! BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS.

I'm hating bugs so much right now, I swear, I could compose a song out of hating bugs right on the spot, right here.

Oh that sounds like a good idea.

_Bugs, why do you hate me so, what have I done to you?_

_Nothing! I never even offended one in my life! Maybe except when I'm blue~_

_But ever since, you came up to my doorstep, biting and kicking me around~_

_I've had enough of this craziness, I want to just stomp you to the ground!_

...Okay, this is why I didn't get a job in the music industry. I sound like a super-villain, like Electro-ish or Spider-Ock- oh, god. Don't even mention him, I don't even want to talk about Ocksters.

Is this a prank or something? I'm _Spider_-man so bugs come swarming. Okay, wait. Spiders are _arachnids_, not bugs, so I say, that instead of bugs, they should've sent spiders from all around swarming instead. Okay, wait. I take back what I just wrote. They shouldn't have sent any sort of insects at all and just have left me alone.

My life is hectic enough without bugs all around me.

Bugs. Bugs bugs bugs bugs bugs.

Great. Now 'bugs' doesn't even look like a word anymore. It's feels more like 'hugs' or 'mugs' now. But I prefer hugs and mugs to bugs so... wait what? Mugs, hugs, bugs, hugs... dammit, they all don't look like words now! Now all I'm thinking of is 'bunny'. Wait what?

Okay Spidey. Slow down. Calm. Deep breaths. Empty thy mind. First thing's first- your pencil is flat, go sharpen it. Then, let's eat some lunch that isn't infested with ants, before we go out for a swing that isn't accompanied by locusts and killer bees. Sounds good?

...sounds good.


	5. Bugs are gone?

June 25, 2014

HAAAAAA LEEEE LUUUUYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Guys can you believe it? The bugs are GOOONE! YES! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BUT THIS IS A GOOD THING.

Now I can clean the feces out of my carpet. Yay.

The main reason why I'm writing this, is to procrastinate on the job. Come on, who likes to do chores? I sure don't. I could be doing other things within the time I'm sweeping up dead bug legs. Like, oh I don't know, SAVING THE DAY FROM EVIL VILLAINS OR SOMETHING?! Joking. All my villains are on vaca so I can take a break.

Maybe I should take this chance to look into the bug incident or something. Be productive or something. I don't know.

Speaking of annoying people (yes, we were talking about that totally, this is just another smooth transition to the next topic), I think my diary got stolen for a bit 'cus I couldn't find it the past 2 days and that's weird. I don't know why that's weird, but it is, trust me okay. Trust the guy with the spider senses. I think it got stolen for a bit. I don't understand why anyone would want to read this, it's just another grown man's pink diary, no need to violate my privacy. I mean, if it was Cap's diary, then yeah, let's totally read it but why mine?

...

Don't answer that.

Spidey out.


	6. WOW REALLY?

June 26, 2014

DUDE! DUUUUDE! YOU HAVE A DIARY?! SERIOUSLY?!

HAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That took me nearly 2 hours to write, so you'd better thank me web head, for making your diary a little special.

But seriously, a DIARY? REALLY DUDE?

-The dude who you'd totally want to thank for making your diary awesomer because we all know how unawesome you are.

-In other words, THE HUMAN TORCH.


	7. JUST TOO AMAZING

June 27, 2014

No one's thanking you for nuthin' Torch.

Did you really have to write in my journal? Damn, now it's ruined and I have to go buy another one to get rid of Human Torch cooties. Also, the edges of the sheets were slightly burnt. Did you do that for special effects? LAME! My journal does NOT need to be awesomer because if it did...

THE WHOLE FREAKING PLANET WOULD EXPLODE AND YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT WOULD YOU?!

Damnit Torch! Don't take my journal again!

Spidey out.


	8. JUST TOO AMAZING-ER

June 28, 2014

Oh, so now you're calling this thing a 'journal' eh? IT'S A FREAKING DIARY AND YOU KNOW IT! HAHAHA YOU'RE SOOOO LAME! A DIARY AT YOUR AGE? And please, the only thing that can't get any awesomer is me, because if I did...

THE WHOLE FREAKING PLANET WOULD EXPLODE AND YOU KNOW IT DONCHA?!

By the way, you should really find another way to carry this around, 'cus it's way too easy to snatch it.

-THE HERO WHO WAS SO KIND AND CONSIDERATE TO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS DIARY AND OFFER ADVICE, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY THANK HIM DON'T YOU THINK, OH, AND BY THE WAY, THE BURNT EFFECTS ARE SO DAMN COOL, DON'T EVEN DENY IT

-In other words, THE HUMAN TORCH


	9. Found your diary dude

June 29, 2014

Huh, whaddya know, I found this on the ground.

Dude, don't go droppin' your diary around. What if people read your deepest darkest secrets. Especially that one about your step-step-step father eating his baby's toenails therefore becoming Toenail-man. And swearing to kill you because Spiders don't have toenails.

Pfft, Toenail-man.

I'm gonna go find you to return this thing to you, so you better THANK ME FOR BEING SO KIND AND CONSIDERATELY AWESOME! I could be doing so many other things, like watching TV (did you hear, Simpsons is ending?), eating hot dogs, bursting randomly into flames...

So uh... yeah...

-THE HUMAN TORCH


	10. Ho hum

July 3, 2014

I haven't found you yet, so I'm just going to start writing in your diary in your place. It's pages are lonely, therefore I must save the day.

What I've done today:

-count how many cheerios in a box of cheerios

-listen to the popular songs of the past. Is Friday no longer 'in' or something?

-count how many white hairs Sue has (she totally freaked out. It was hilarious)

What I've accomplished today:

-making Sue freak out

-counting how man cheerios in a box of cheerios

-listening to popular songs of the past. I'm still hung up about what the Fox says.

Alright! I'll admit it! I'm kind of bored. Just a bit. Come on web head, where are you. Please don't tell me your fairy god mother appeared and took you to a month long vacation at Hawaii or something. Don't get me wrong, I love Hawaii, but there's this scary old lady who lives there and somehow is always able to detect me. Stay away from her. She gives the most painful cheek squeezes.

DAMMIT WEB HEAD, I'M GETTING INTO THIS DIARY THING!

Why am I writing into your diary when I could be blogging right now. Geez.

-HUMAN TORCH


	11. I don't wanna clean my room

July 11, 2014

Hey, I spilt some taco sauce on the cover. It may stain forever. But don't worry, I'm sure it'll be fine. It smells nice now, so you might as well thank me.

Where are you anyways, it's been like, I don't know, FOREVER. J. Jonah. Jameson is about to cry tears of joy and throw a partay of pure happiness if you don't get back soon. Seriously, you have no idea how annoying it is to watch his mustache jerking up and down when he talks, it's like a combination of donkey and my sister. My sister being the naggy pa-

WELL EXCUSE ME FOR NAGGING SO MUCH, IF YOU WOULD JUST CLEAN UP YOUR-

Sorry, that was my sister there. I got her to go away, don't worry, all is well. That was really an earful though, and now I have to clean up my room because if I don't, she's going to murder me brutally. And by brutally, I mean ripping off my limbs one by one and making some home made stew out of it.

So I guess I gotta go. Clean up my room.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

OKAY SIS IS ABOUT TO KILL ME I GOTTA GO NOW BYE

-HUMAN TORC-


End file.
